i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
pregamed for the floor meeting. so stoned. i keep thinking my RA is shrinking.
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
Really uncomfortable with the level of eskimo brotherhood at this family reunion
Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?
Can you tell dad to stop liking and sharing porn on FB again?
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
I emptied a Vyvance capsule into my coffee pot last night and set the auto start. Pretty sure I've been drinking meth all morning
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
