Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
What the fuck is wrong with your family? Why do you have unfrosted pop tarts.
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
like i literally can feel my uterus getting frustrated at me for not being pregnant.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
