i am so afraid to go to the bathroom. i am afraid i am going to fall asleep on the toillet.
Special does not even begin to describe that text.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Let's ride this possibly pregnant train together
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