I am midnight drunk by noon
I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
"Home for the holidays" isn't clearance to fuck the recently 18 year old high schooler right?
Nope, his last birthday was.
if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.
i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
You partied and then got cock slapped, Don't tell me you didn't have fun
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
I was fingering her and they busted into my room demanding to know who the best running back was, before I could say anything she moaned and said "Barry Sanders"
Randomize
