It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers
my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
Yea we just broke up
so do we start sexting now or later?
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
I'm going to three dry weddings this month. I'm flashing three dry weddings this month
Do you think the police would frown on me opening a psych drug pharmacy on the side? Just to dispose of my drugs without polluting the water supply! It is for the animals!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
no, it was more of an i-don't-think-he-even-knows-what-a-clitoris-is, bad.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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