he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."
I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook
It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
It was inevitable. It was like I was a caterpillar and now I'm a drunk and high butterfly
I think it's safe to assume that dad heard you lose your lesbian virginity last night
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
My sexual preferences tend to require a degree in psychology to understand
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
Randomize
