if you come down to my room ill tell you a secret
i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed
you smoke with your eyes?
just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
There was a note in my hello kitty underwear telling me "don't go over 9000"
there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
Some guy named spider just bought me 5 shots
I just got promised sex at a fire station tonight so basically all my porn star dreams are coming true.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
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