I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
so i hit rock bottom, god threw me a shovel. i continued to dig.
There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
He has an intense fear that my cat will attack his balls while we're fucking
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
Well... first you killed the girls goldfish, then you shoved her face in your armpit, made her cry, got kicked out, ate your cigarettes, and passed out in her driveway. Pretty successful night if you ask me
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
I should have been on a postcard. I was sitting in the middle of the forest with a plate full of pot brownies and missing you.
I have no idea what those words in that order meant, but if you go to Florida send me pics of strippers
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
I climbed on the arm of the futon, flapping my hand fan frantically and hissing imprecations at the smoke detector
My bald co-worker just chugged a literal gallon of coffee. My condolences to his kidneys.
Randomize
