I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
i think i would be more confident if i were chinese.
I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I realized today that I should stop thinking so much with my vagina instead of my brain.
Please tell me this doesn't mean another "surprise road trip" where I spend all my money on gas and the SURPRISE destination is the abortion clinic.
But what if I pay for the gas?
in respone to your voicemail you left me on saturday, yes i had gone to bed and no i was not still drinking at 5am
If its allowed to Tornado at 830am then Im allowed to have a beer and a cigarette at 830am
He kept surfacing with a delighted look on his face, guessing different types of food to try to figure out what makes my pussy taste so good.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
My horseshoe mustache feels at home at this bar.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
And you will die and be carried in a backpack before I allow you not to comply in this tomfoolery.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
Last night I made out with two lesbians while dancing with another girl. I'm pretty sure it wasn't even real life.
Randomize