Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
True Life: I hate vaginal excretions
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.
A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously
I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.
Opened my purse to realize I have someone else's birth certificate. What happens to me in college?
Oddly enough, the sex change dream i had made me miss you more.
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I refuse to be socially acceptable any longer than what is needed to pick up chinese food.
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
