i'm sick of taking my pants off and seeing a look of disappointment on the girls face. i want her to be frigthened
k, so I just picked a four leaf clover, then saw my dads penis. Lucky? I think not.
I'm gonna write a book, Things that go bump in the night: The story of Katelyn. Chapter one, my roommate is a dumb whore.
How was I supposed to know she would get offended when I asked her how long it took to draw on her eyebrows.
i think i got so emotional from a mix of getting my period and slapping the bag like five times
I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
and then I said "oh, I see the price of Plan B has gone up". and the pharmacist looked at me very sadly. I was just trying to make conversation.
all I remember is grinding on everyone in the room regardless of gender and quoting the lion king non-stop. We need to stop buying Jameson.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
We need to feng shui this bitch.
Question: how does one descretely ask the ice cream truck driver thats out at 10:00pm if he sells weed?
Randomize
