Do you know that poor pathetic girl that we should be friends with
I'm so drunk that I ordered a root beer at the bar. Whoops?
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
he said he got tested two months ago... he goes with his whole family.
I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
Yeah but you let me touch your butt. You're clearly the winner.
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
if anyone breaks out the olive oil & slip n slide, text me 911.
I forget how to act sober
Fucker was flying a Bruins flag. He can pick up the dog's poop himself.
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