Thanks to blow jobs, my margarita's at the bar are only 3dollars.
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart
I woke up to 76 pages of e's, r's, d's, and f's from when I fell asleep for 3 hours on my laptop keyboard trying to write that paper.
You won't wear your Santa suit, I can't get trashed, and you won't use handcuffs! This is the worst Christmas EVER.
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
How will you ever teach your dogs to pee outside when the biggest puddle on your bedroom carpet is from you?
We grabbed as many adult diapers as we could and made a run for it.
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
my mom is drunk and is trying to get me to take a picture of her ass. what is life?
Randomize
