I think I'm in Tiajuana
You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago
I could be
He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
can we take a shower together?
no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
I also think about what hot dudes penises are gonna look like when theyre 80 and it's not pretty
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Yeah she's a complete bitch. But I mostly hate her because she hijacked my fuck buddy.
His condition for us having sex was that I wore my show boots. #equestrianproblems
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I have a bag of frozen peas on my vagina. If you want to talk about real problems.
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