I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.
I am trying to think of a way to tell him about thanksgiving and the following weekend in a way that makes me sound funny and exciting and not like an alcoholic
yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.
We need to drink more. Just think how awesome it would be to wake up in a trailer and NOT remember how wee got here.
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
the D I S R E S P E C T of sending someone nudes, them opening it, and not bothering to respond
I was just told I’m pretty enough to be a catfish. This made me so happy...
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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