I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.
I'm dressed like a deranged cupcake. Let's get fucked up.
people came up our fire escape and one had a cut on his leg and he was beautiful so i told him i was an emt and bandaged it with princess bandaids
WHY DID I INFORM THE ENTIRE BATHROOM I DONT HAVE AN STD?!?!?!!
I would really just like to get laid somewhere that's not on a bathroom floor at this point in my life
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
Jesus tap dancing Christ rock out with your cock out is supposed to be just an expression. And even if it weren't no one wants pics bro.
Did you leave a mouse under my pillow again?
She has a girlfriend too.. we decided that two cheats equal eachother out to zero. with our flawed grasp on algebra and the bottle of jack we were passing back and forth the logic seemed airtight.
Randomize
