connan obrien reminds me of an asparagus spear
as i creep her facebook pics from back in the day till now, i noticed that her lazy eye has gotten better
so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same
he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I feel like he better crank it up to level RG IV tomorrow. It's the fucking playoffs.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
either i huffed spraypaint or ate out that makeup artist. you decide.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
I feel a blackout coming on
Plz don't have me burst into your house saying you're late for re airport to rescue you from a fat girl again
That was 2 times
She super glued his penis to his testicles. And shaved off a good portion of his hair after he passed out at the party.
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