mornings like this make me wish i was morman.
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
In related news... Actually, nope. I don't have any orgy-related news. You win.
Literally just napped at strip club. Don't know how long
Sorry I wore your bra during sex last night
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
Randomize
