I bet when she looks at herself in the mirror she wishes brown paper bags were in fashion.
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I have a very awkward question for you. Could you possibly take my black dildo. My mom wants to clean my room.
How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.
Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
I just sat in the bathtub with the shower running so I could eat the whole box of mega stuffed Oreos. What am I doing with my life
I mean, unless you wanna just let me lie there while you fuck me and pour water into my mouth
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I'm just glad you didn't end up in Staten Island
I woke up naked holding a taco. My ass couldn't even make it to my bed let alone Staten Island
I just apologized to a wet floor sign i walked into.
Randomize
