I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.
Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back
She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.
He sent me a picture of his ass and said the backdoor is open. Almost grabbed my keys and a condom before I saw it was a group text. Not nearly drunk enough for his desperation.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I'm closer to stabbing a fork in my neck than finishing this resume.
I just smoked a bowl alone and took my Zyrtec here's to a full night.
I was eating leftover taco bell in bed at 3 in the afternoon. I can't throw any stones
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
The ass gains better be worth it
Randomize
