My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party
he asked me if i had ever jacked off high and then referred to it as a "man-to-man question"
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
We sang "Whole New World" in harmony and he spun me around. You may now barf from the cuteness.
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
If I die tonight, you and your brother can split my money evenly for college only.
all $38?
I'm both gender and math confused
Listen, I love you but you cannot refer to your dick as the holy sister anymore
Randomize
