Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Be careful down there, Shane may have pooped on the carpet.
I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
I hear youre working today. To keep you entertained, ive compiled a list of condiments that my dick has NOT been slathered in since last Friday: Relish, and raspberry jam. That's right.
Dude true life I died at the derby...I lost everyone I knew, went down a bourbon and mud slip and slide, lost my hat, fell off the roof of a porta potty, sprained my ankle and knee and then got arrested.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
What do you expect from her? Do you remember that creepy man she dated who saturated a pillowcase in his musky cologne and mailed it to her and she still slept with him.
I felt like I was having sex with Joffrey from Game of Thrones. Needless to say how bad it was
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
Ur creepiness is now affecting my life and I'm not okay with it
I trusted a fart in Toronto. NEVER TRUST A FART IN TORONTO.
I woke up to the smell of shame and vomit in my hair... went to the bathroom to shower and passed out... woke back up naked with the blow dryer on... thanks for making my birthday a success
I just had 3 numbers I don't know text me and remind me I am to attend AA on monday. Im gonna say it was a good night.
Randomize
