I think tonya harding is in my dwi class!
Ask her how she and Jeff Gillooly split the cats after the divorce.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
I can't ever date him again. Whenever I see his face I just remember helplessly pissing myself in my car.
I SHIT YOU NOT a mailman helped me leave without waking him up.
you just missed a great speech in which i almost coined the term "ass-ian" as in "my vaginal and ass-ian regions are no longer safe"
God please dont post that to facebook.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
An old white couple caught us smoking the foot long. THE LOOK ON THEIR FACES.
Did she seriously come back inside just to piss on the kitchen floor?
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
He pulled out a Plan B pill and handed it to me as I left like it was a party favor. God Bless America.
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