YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."
He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
ive realized i need to start an "avoid moving in with my parents after graduation" fund
It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.
take 2 Ambien then drink a Red Bull and watch Alice in Wonderland. Trust me.
Um...celebrating is an understatement. You flashed the guy at the mexican restaurant and then screamed, "It's just my bikini, I swear!"
I asked the cop if I could see his dick- It's not like he could arrest me twice.
Is it bad that I've been making new friends through your vagina networking? I don't think so
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room
Come over. Bring drugs. My sister is making cookies. She took Valium. They should be badass cookies.
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
