I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
and on the seventh day, God created megan fox
i'm not sure what happened. i know i woke up on the floor of his bathroom, then had morning sex with him. dont remember getting to his apt. dont remember much.
morning sex?... maybe not a total mistake then? he seems like a normal person, so rare at BU
oh no, he's far from normal. i know his high school girlfriend. she's CRAZY. and he definitely deals prescription drugs. also. he had sex with me even though i slept on his bathroom floor.
I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.
u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u
Just ordered a clown who does balloon animals. No backing out now.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
When you're all settled in, text me, and I can sorta apologize for saying that your phone can suck my dick. What I really meant to say is that your Windows phone can suck my Android phone's dick.
Was looking through my phone and saw that drunk me took a tit pic in the Denny's bathroom..
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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