i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
Dammit now I'm pissed. Its like I am torn between two worlds. A world of girls, and a world of people punching other people in the head. Both are just so beautiful.
SHE BROUGHT HER PARROT TO THE PARTY. IT SQUAWKS EVERY TIME SOMEONE VOMITS LIKE 'PARTY FOUL SQUAWKKKKKK'
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
I knew how blacked out you were when you started doing that thing where you dance around and call yourself the Black Swan.
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Randomize
