Stephanie. Problem. I think if I had met Murphy before Ben I would have fucked him instead.
Don't worry about your Murphy feelings. I may have fucked him no matter what.
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
theres no cameras in the kitchen right? cause i dont wana get fired for peeing in the kitchen in a cup
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.
The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion
She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...
Bro, did you watch that scooby doo porn I sent to you?
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
I've officially slept with/dated two guys that have gotten tased. What the fuck is wrong with me
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Its because she suspects I'm a frequent drug user, which I am, but I am going to make her feel like she is crazy for believing it.
If I didn't have booty calls, my apartment would never get clean
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