There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.
It's like I'm in a vicious cycle of noncommittal penis.
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.
They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.
I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.
No. If I hated you would get none. Then I would eat them all in front of you and laugh at your tears. Although that hasn't been ruled out for entertainment purposes. Nothing purposeful.
He bought me a burrito. I introduced him as "Horse-Dicked Jake" all night. My debt has been repaid.
Hey. Make all the seamen/semen jokes you want. Not many people can say they fucked 2 different girls in two different countries in one week on a tax free bonus. Next up: Italy.
There's no way I'm ready for marriage. I have too many pics of other guys' junk on my phone for an eternal commitment right now.
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
idk but im stoned n hiding in the bathroom from my kids with a really big bowl of really little candy bars
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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