My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.
either way. win, win.
shes the kind of girl i dont like to talk to unless my penis is in her mouth.
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
the most drunk i have ever been? possibly. the most drunk i have ever been on a monday? definently.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed
Buying Plan B right after a lecture on feminism. It's nice to know who I can thank for that right.
After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.
Stop giving me tequila.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
Was just trying to have a normal "I fucked you without a condom" adult conversation and she flipped
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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