Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Another Sunday, another 100 chicken nuggets
As I was throwing up blood I assured concerned onlookers that I had simply "eaten a lot of ketchup today"
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
You were so high that you only FaceTimed me so that you could stare into your own eyes and not actually say anything
I am drinking fireball and apple juice out of a sippy cup like a fucking toddler.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
if a CSI technician examined our hotel room with a black light he'd think we hit the Pulse button a DNA blender without a lid
He's bringing a lesbian pretending to be his girlfriend to family Christmas. I can not wait to see how this goes.
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