Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I wish they had a smiley of two girls making out
At the doctor. They're doing a flu test now. He was like "where do you think you got this?" I said "bachelor party. Strippers." he goes "okaaaay I'll put 'other'."
It's just like the Real World with babies
Just did a kegstand with my dad. Happy fathers day.
I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I had to sit there with his three fat aunts talking about a bunch of 50 Shades knockoff books.
I felt like a taxi, but my meter was running up minutes he would be eating me out that night.
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
He was stoned laying on my bed singing I'm a little tea cup while I took a pregnancy test. Thank god it was negative.
DAMN HIS BEARD AND ABILITY TO USE TOOLS ON A LADDER!!
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
His abs are so defined he looks like a human xylophone.
I feel like everything in my life has been preparing me for my future sex robot experience
You’re so close!!!
Randomize