my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah
and she bought it?!?
yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
so i told him i still liked him. he laughed
well, your crazy. what did you expect?
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.
What's your ideal size in a man?
I just asked if you could cover my shift tomorrow......
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Well when I woke up this morning I didn’t think I’d be masturbating to my own LinkedIn profile today but here we are
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