bad: friday night i tripped and fell outside my dorm. worse: i just found out i broke my ankle. worst: i was shitfaced and don't remember any of this.
Id love to say been there done that but im a slutty drunk not a stupid one.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
We're listening to space jam. This can only be a good omen.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
He was respectful of both me and my One Direction calendar.
You know what the worst feeling in the world is? Sitting in your 6pm AA meeting still hungover from the night before
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
The zombie version of you bit my friend's hand. No more zombie crawl for you. Not ever.
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
Tony's mom to him at breakfast: "I found the shirt you wore last night in the bushes this morning."
Legit sprained my cooter. No joke. Icing her down as we speak.
Randomize
