i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke
20 bottles of wine, 3 cases or beer, and 5 bottles in my kitchen... My parents are teasing me.
Im having a christmas reunion party tonight. Last year i ate my own contact. We'll see how this year goes
The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...
Don't think anyone else in the building has a lunchbox full of yay
Hey there's a sandwich in there too!
I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Randomize
