Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.
You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.
Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?
We almost forgot to tip the maids, so we left the rest of the gin, some tonic water and a lime. They earned it
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
He sided with his father, so I slashed his tires. I’d say that’s a fair trade.
Randomize
