I don't know where I am, but its a Goosebumps novel waiting to happen.
even in my darkest moments, having another person eat my jizz would make me smile
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me
You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.
I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.
I was Jaeger weird. I was rolling on the floor pretending to be an Olympic gymnast and my name was Gina
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
The cup holder in my recliner holds a whole bottle of wine. That's definitely a sign.
I don't think I bit anyone but I woke up to scrapes knees, bruises and new friends.
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
