I'm so bummed I missed coconut bowling. It's fucking cold here and no coconuts to be found
i totally forgot about the coupon that said i would show him how i pleasure myself.
She told you broke her computer after the little square in tetris wouldn't rotate for you...
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Dude. The amount of love and appreciation from a house full of stoners when you come home at 4 am with donuts is overwhelming. The kind of love to make Jesus have to work a little harder at his unconditional love thing.
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I wish the guy in the stall next to me would stop moaning while taking a dump.
I wish you'd stop texting me from the toilet.
Me and my dad hot boxed a hotel bathroom... That's what I call father son bonding
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
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