someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
I just want to get to the point in our relationship where I can get on top of her and fart and we can both laugh...not just me.
Astroglide: It's like Bengay for your ass.
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?
like a dude with a badge in a golf cart is gunna do shit. Unless he has a tazer. Then it's fair game.
I think its safe to assume that the 40yr old undergraduate with purple and pink in her hair and a tattoo of the eiffel tower above her ass crack has never actually been to Paris...
The less money I spend on drugs, the happier my mom will be.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
Can I interview you during sex or would that be weird?
I told the DJ last night to play Third Eye Blind before 1:45 and just pointed at him as I walked away. He didn't do it and at 1:45 I just walked out pointing at him, without my friends
I just realized now that you're pregnant we can't use alcohol as currency
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
It was a bad idea to take ecstasy with cats in the house. No animal likes being touched that much. Let me know how your eye feels tomorrow
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