not allowed to tweet this cos she's following me but i definitely just got head in a stairwell of the university of chicago. wanted you all to know.
Henry's handball, Tiger Wood's Car Crash, Roger Federer losing ... That's it....I'm throwing my Gillete away
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.
Just wanted you to know two things, 1st I sent the second thing to a broad ive been talking too. 2nd that was not just a fart.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Do you remember when you first moved into my parents house with me and we came home to find that my dad bolted the headboard to the wall
Would you by any chance know if there is a proper protocol for traveling with one's vibrator? I wouldn't want the TSA to rip open my suitcase in front of my boss.
We drunkenly made out once four years ago and then he immediately vomited and honestly I've never gotten over him
Randomize
