my mkouth tastes houw teh zoo smelllls
I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.
I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.
I just made a steamroller out of a christmas ornament. I feel so festive.
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I told him to pick up the beer can he threw in front of the police station. So he gets out chugs whatever's left and throws it back and says ok let's go.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
the fact that I always have. bottle of tequila in my purse is not helping my current sitch
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
