I keep trying to sit and the chair keeps running away from me
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
you can't tell me it's over and send me pics of you and your cat?
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Then me, her, and her mom snorted tequila. The bartender was in shock.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
WHAT HAS MY LIFE COME TO I'M MAKING A SCARF FOR A PENIS
I woke up at 6 and was laying at the top of my stairs.
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Anyhow. He gives me orgasms and cuddles and buys me dinner and alcohol. Ill keep him around and cross that other girl bridge when we get there ha ha
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
