Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Its already bleeding so dont be alarmed after you bite it
Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
A guy in a banana suit just got the whole bus to participate in a call and response version of Bohemian Rhapsody. HERO
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
I think i just shit in their garbage can, I'm ready for that ride u owe bro.
Meet at Walmart straight from work to buy items for hurricane fun. Then blast some wine, make some sex, blast a bowl and cuddle each other till the sun comes up?
That's the most romantic New Orleans hurrication I've ever heard of. Can I have your babies?
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
He wanted to watch a Charlie Brown thanksgiving. But I was like, fuck that, I'm a grown up. So we watched jumanji and I sucked his dick.
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
