The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
What do you do when the person in the stall next to you says they're jealous?
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
Everything about him screamed your future.
Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights
you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I can feel the judgmental stares of Christians from around the world right now.
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
You're a mystery wrapped in an enigma wrapped in a redhead
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
i feel like if my pee,blood, or vomit is on it...it should belong to me by default. can we make that a rule?
Maybe I’ll just go to the party as myself
What, a homewrecker?
Touché
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