maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.
Just left a map of the Aleutian islands on this Eskimo girls face. Check one off my Alaska to do list.
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.
I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
You wouldn't believe how many pro-life stickers, and "show us your tits" signs there are between here and Dallas.
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
I just got woken up by that guy wearing a Krispy Kreme hat giving out donuts
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
That song just makes me wanna take off my top and shake my titties all around the club.
Randomize
