Okay call me later ill be watching lifetime and scrubbing throw up off my feet
Theres a baby at this concert double fisting pacifiers. shes gunna do great in college.
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."
he's the only person i know who can drink himself into and out of alcohol poisoning.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
I'd feel sorry for him and his injury but it's an inconvenience for my vagina
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
Ryan got so drunk he gave a hobo $20 and I had to zip tie him to the bed so he doesn't out stupid himself
Finding an empty bathroom to shit on campus is like the quest for the fucking Holy Grail. Except with more stench and humiliation.
I think snapchat is trying to tell you something. It's saying your boobs were meant to be seen by his family.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
