is it bad that the first thing i do when i get downstairs is go on farm town?
Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
The good thing about having holes in your nose from all the drugs you do is that you can't smell nasty things. Like puke.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
So I'm not dead, but close call. I think I can handle one more bar.
When the neighbors threatened to call the cops, he yelled at them that American laws didnt apply to him because he was Danish. He then sang his own version of "America fuck yeah" along to daft punk, then fell down the porch steps. Can we keep him?!?!
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
That was just an endearing nickname I called you before. I'm not gonna call you a filthy slut now that you are one, I don't want to hurt your feelings.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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