Don't threaten to terrorize my ass hole unless you have to wherewithal to back it up
No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk
Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
i wasn't gonna shower then i remembered i slept in my own piss
So i just got guilted into doing a tequila shot by a group of guys chanting "USA!" at me.
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
I know it's early but when you wake up can you please validate my life and tell me I'm not just a drunk idiot.
My period started right as he was entering, which really helped me sell the "I've never done this before" bit.
OMG IM A TIGER AND I LOVE ROARING
Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
There is a check pinned to the wall at Connor's. It's a check I wrote for $1,000,000... To you. Clearly you made out well on St. Patrick's day. Thanks for being too shitfaced to remember to grab that.
One of the finest moments in my life was when I was puking in between my legs as I was shitting, and thought to myself "hmm this shall be called shomiting."
Randomize
