Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever
Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
Make sure your heart doesn't explode. These are words of wisdom.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(
I wish there were birth control emojis
Here's the level of my committment: I'm not participating in the Olympic opening ceremonies drinking game. THIS IS SERIOUS.
I'm turning into an adult here.
Adults touch each other's special zones.
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
How does one take the "you're the best sex I've ever had but I'm marrying someone that's sub-par in the sack" mind fuck?
I pity the fool.
Thanks Mr T.
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