Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Jason Williams (yeah the ex-nets center...) drunkenly told me that, while drinking, I should take an ambien and a cialis before i go home...that will "give me a 25 minute window to have sex and then goto sleep before the bitch starts bothering me"....
i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.
In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.
Realized we were outta oj used gerber graduates mixed fruit juice as a mixer. Mother of the Year award right here
I'm just gonna start letting dudes eat it. American idol for my vagina
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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