I have fb friend requests from two random swedish brothers... Must have something to do with that hostel I stumbled into on mardi gras
Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
SHE WON'T ROUND UP MY GRADE! I have a 79.8% I ONLY MISSED TWO CLASSES!!! ONE WHEN I GOT DRUGGED AND ONE WHEN MY CAR GOT BROKEN INTO!! I'm interculturally competent. I used to date a Italian/Cherokee Indian. I fucked a Palestinian. How much more pro-peace can you get?
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
Ohh I see how it works, eat pussy and I get Reese's pieces.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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