my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
sometimes when i'm walking through campus i wonder how many of these people have seen me puke
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
I respect your roll as DD and there're am required to respect your vehicle
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
I don't think the TSA would be too happy. Who knows if three ounces of lube will be enough for us?
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
OK BUT WHO THE FUCK FORGTS A LIVE CHICKEN IN MY HOUSE
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
He once bought a dildo and put fifty dollars and a happy anniversary note in the battery compartment I gotta lock him down while hes available
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
I don't remember anything beyond the drinking game but I woke up in my own pee this morning so I'm just gonna go out on a limb and say I overdid it.
Randomize
