Just saw two guys having a lawn mower race, and their girlfriends cheering them on. Get me out of Tehachapi,
I didn't join FB to see my only child straddle that boy in all her pictures.
So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
I think showering with 5 people and a half gallon of vodka was one of the best decisions we have ever made.
He makes this seasoned whore feel like a novice. I've met the one.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I snuck a teenager into a club last nite, I felt like such a criminal. It was Awsome
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