Literal conversation "you are ________ ____. you facebook friended me"
i need an iv and a liver transplant
If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
They said "my eyes made me look intoxicated" ......we harassed them all night and we called the cops and told them that the bouncer that kicked us out was selling meth in the club ...and then we went to wendys
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
I am lonely and I want to touch your beard
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
He showed me a picture of his baby hamsters and I called them "Mammal McNuggets"
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Just because you are home alone for the weekend doesn't mean you can act like a nudist.
I accept your opinion but respectfully disagree. Also, I'm sitting in your chair.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
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