White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.
i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.
I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.
Yah, I guess one silver lining is I'd never seen a full water cooler get thrown down a flight of stairs, gotta appreciate the little things
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'm naked, I'm drunk, and I'm all up on social media right now
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
If u could sum last night up in one word?
omgwtfpineapple
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
Randomize
