Hes a 32 yr old divorced sailor that calls me almost every night drunk begging me to call him big daddy. I think i might need to change my number.
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
I woke up with fried rice in my sweatshirt pocket came downstairs and found all the chicken in the fridge gone. I'm THAT roommate aren't I?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.
every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water
Count me out. I seem to have semen induced blindness in one eye.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
We were having sex and my nose just started pouring blood. He reached down to the floor, grabbed a sock and held it to my nose. He just kept pounding away like nothing was happening.
do you ever look at a card in your wallet and reminisce about all of the drugs youve done with it?
You give an incredible blow job. I wanted to make sure you know it was appreciated
I no longer need a flask. I need a canteen.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
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