if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
I have a spoon shaped bruise on my ass...
I left my Thanksgiving family dinner puking in my hands from the worst hangover in the world
Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Well I tried to call you. I was convinced my body was made of wood. But the Xmas lights in my room helped
No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.
Ya. I wonder how much being a beard for a major league baseball player pays. This could be a lucrative arrangement...
Me and two guys that I made Eskimo bros all soberly slept together in my bed
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Sometimes i think i need to stop drinking because i can't afford losing so many panties anymore
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
FINE. BE CELIBATE AND ACCUMULATE CATS. SEE IF I CARE.
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