Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
For the record, saying you're friends with the owner doesn't work when the owner is the one throwing you out.
I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.
You need to tell him your pregnant or we need to stop playing doubles beer-pong. My liver is begging you.
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
he could've at least fucked me twice. that's just common courtesy.
I was just shot with a dart gun by one of my coworkers while walking to the printer. Ironically I was printing my resignation letter...
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
she opened a can of olives, drained the juice and poured ranch dressing in. oh and 'croutons' (saltines) on top...
Wanna meet at the diner for breakfast? all I've eaten in the past 24 hours is glitter and penis. starvingg.
...Just hit my fuck buddy with my car.
Randomize
