i wouldn't be half as slutty if there were better things to do.
You were partners with her mom and you began calling her "the Robert Horry of beer pong" You also kept telling her that she was hotter than her daughter.
Why is there a living, breathing cow on your front porch?
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid
Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.
I just bought the ATT family protection plan so that I could block all of my old bar hookups from booty calling me...
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
That freshman kid successfully snuck into a college party, got caught, proceeded to jump out of a second story window without getting a scratch then met up with us a block away and somehow managed to get a bottle of grey goose in the meantime. He is truly blessed by the alcohol gods
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
So we decided we're going to stop having sex...except for tonight. And probably tomorrow.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
So I fucked a guy with his mouth wired shut last night never thought id cross that off my imaginary bucket list
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