Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Sorry I couldn't get my dick out
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
Got in a bar fight defending Prince. Thought you ought to know. He gets his dick sucked cooking eggs for breakfast.
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
I just shaved my "bikini area" into a fucking pizza slice
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
when I was walking home I wad so excited to see a cat on the sidewalk but it was really a traffic cone
His dick has the same name as my pipe. I'm keeping him forever.
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